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I was in Chapters this weekend, browsing the wellness and self-help sections (my favorite sections of the bookstore ever since I can remember) when I came across a book that really triggered an emotional response in me – I won’t get into the name and author, but essentially the point of the book was an argument for the ‘advantages’ of settling for “Mr. Good Enough”. And “settling” in general.
Hence the inspiration for this post. The author’s main point (from what I could gather in 10 minutes of flipping through the highlights) was that part of the reason we (particularly women) are so unhappy these days is that in a world so full of excess, our expectations have gotten too high. Essentially we want too much out of life. Hence… we over scrutinize men, holding out for a perfect ideal that we may never meet and hence may end up old and alone. I’m sorry but….I couldn’t disagree more.
The idea of finding the perfect man vs a healthy and fulfilling relationship is a whole other topic, today I want to talk a little more about the idea of settling. The issue of “settling” has always been something I’ve been very conscious of, I’m not sure why, but it’s one of those things that even as a teenager I became very aware of. From the time I can remember, I’ve been fascinated by the question of why some people grow up to lead extraordinary lives and others settle for average.
Now, this is obviously subjective. What is average for one person, could be extraordinary for another. The real barometer is your own degree of happiness and fulfillment with life. Only you can answer that. Perhaps more accurate than using the term “average” is the idea of mediocrity. It’s settling for middle ground, when you are capable of more. I believe that as human beings, we are born infinitely capable, creative and talented. We are put on this earth to experience the joy and excitement that comes from living out our fullest potential.
I think as children the reason our dreams are so big is because we are still tapped into our true nature. It’s only in the process of becoming adults, through years of conditioning by well-meaning parents, teachers and society that we begin to operate from a place of fear and doubt, as opposed to courage and possibility.
As human beings, growth is our nature. As much as we fear change and resist challenge, it is usually in situations that stretch us, that we feel the most alive, that we strengthen our character, and achieve extraordinary results. The innate human spirit in each of us longs to experience the world, to feel true happiness, peace and joy. It’s what makes us feel alive.
When we adopt a mentality of settling for “good enough”, our spirit is left deflated; we lose our spark and zest for life. More importantly, we send out a message to the universe that we don’t want better, a belief that is rooted in fear and doubt – that we can’t do better or that we don’t deserve better. I believe when we settle, we give up on life.
Not everyone is meant to live their life in some large, grandiose fashion. That’s not at all what I’m implying. But all of us have the potential to be truly and completely happy, to experience all of the joys of life, to express all of our gifts and talents, and to wake up every day, inspired and excited to be alive.
There are way too many people, numbing themselves with food, television, alcohol and endless other distractions. To that extent, I agree with the author. Our world’s excess – material excess – may be partly to blame for why we’re so unhappy. But rather than lowering our expectations, of ourselves and of others, we should put down our distractions and take time to look inward and bring back some effort into living. No one says it’s going to be easy, but nothing worth having ever is. We should expect nothing but the best, from ourselves first and foremost. After all, you get back only what you put out. No more, no less.
So whatever it is that you have ever wanted for your life, check in with yourself and see how long it’s been since you’ve let yourself truly want it or believe it could happen. This is the starting point. For if you believe you can be more, have more and do more, the spirit within you won’t let you settle for anything less.
On that note, I’ll leave you with one of my all-time favourite quotes:
“It’s a funny thing about life, when you expect nothing but the best, you very often get it.”
Live Fit, Live Happy.
Victoria xo
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I am so with you! Though considering our parallel paths, it’s not surprising. It’s a fine line though between settling or thinking something is ‘good enough’ and then thinking that when things are great, it’s still not good enough. That could lead to chronic dissatisfaction. I think the true value in that striving comes from being willing to improve things, and put yourself out there- at least a little- to be scared, to be uncomfortable, to dive into the unknown… Then we get the growth and change.
Thanks Meghan…and yes, really great point! As a recovering perfectionist… I can attest to the fact that it is a very fine line
Your suggestion to live outside the comfort zone is a good barometer. What has also worked for me is checking in with myself and how my body feels, and being conscious to be happy in the present, regardless of future goals. The downside of being goal-oriented and motivated to do better, is missing out on the good things that are happening right now.
Yes I agree with you wholeheartedly however the book you are referring to has nothing to do with settling. The cover of the book causes a stir but has nothing to do with pushing women to settle. If you read the book it is about single women being to fussy with their checklist for a man wanting a 10 out of 10 and not settling for any less. THen in the blink of an eye they wake up aged 40 and realise that the superfical list that wanted is their younger days was way too superfical and they would now take an 8 out of 10. However being older their market value is not as high and they realise they may not even get an 8 out of 10 more a 5 out of 10. Competition is fierce with the younger spring chickens coming into the market place. The author is not telling women to settle, just to be more realistic about their expectations when it comes to what they want from a relationship. Women need to get real. That is all the author is telling us, before its too late and you regret what a good guy you let go of because he was only a 9.